If you or your partner are actively considering divorce, we will not jump straight into marriage therapy.
Discernment Counseling:
When at least one of the partners is actively contemplating divorce, we will start with a short-term, research-based intervention called Discernment Counseling, developed by Dr. Bill Doherty at the University of Minnesota. This process will help you gain clarity and confidence in the decision making process about the future of your marriage, based on a better understanding of what has happened between you, and how each of you may have contributed to the problems.
Discernment Counseling is not marriage therapy! Here are the key differences between the two:
Goals:
Unlike marriage therapy, in which both partners agree to actively work to repair the marriage, in Discernment Counseling we are simply assessing what has happened in the marriage to get to the point where divorce is a real possibility, and to decide one of three paths for the future: 1) to continue in the relationship as-is (continue with the status quo, for whatever reason); 2) to move towards separation or divorce; or 3) to give the marriage another try with the help of intensive marriage therapy (and perhaps other interventions).
Number of Sessions:
While marriage therapy often takes months (and sometimes years) to really “stick,” Discernment Counseling is very short-term. In fact, you are only committing to one session. You may decide to return for one or more additional sessions (up to five maximum), but there is no assumption or expectation that you will do so.
Length of Sessions:
Whereas traditional marriage therapy sessions are 60 minutes in length, in Discernment Counseling, our initial session is two hours long. Subsequent sessions (if any) are 90 minutes.
Format of Sessions:
Also, in traditional marriage therapy, the standard is usually for both partners to be in the therapy room for the majority of the time. However, in Discernment Counseling, we spend only some of time with both partners in the room. Most of the session time, at least initially, is done with each partner individually taking turns speaking to the counselor alone, then coming back together to wrap up and decide how to go forward. This allows each partner to be completely honest with the therapist about what is going on for them.
The goal of Discernment Counseling is for each partner to gain clarity and confidence in the decision making process about the future of their marriage, based on a better understanding of what has happened in the marriage, and how each partner has contributed to the problems. Sometimes this leads to a decision to separate or divorce; sometimes this leads to a decision to begin one last round of intensive marriage therapy; and in some rare cases, a decision is made to carry on as-is for a while longer and no definitive action is taken.